List · Snark Attack

15 Absolutely Valid Reasons to End a Relationship

1. You don’t fit my aesthetic. Your personal brand is Post-Morality My Little Pony™ and mine is Machiavellian Dairymaid™.

2. I can’t stand the way you eat asparagus.

3. You think Jack and Rose is a better couples’ costume than Sarah and the Goblin King. With me as Bowie, naturally.

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4. My dog hates you, and his instincts are better than mine.

5. When I was wearing my coquelicot culottes, you said “Nice orange pants.”

6. You don’t love Harold and Maude.

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7. You breathe too much. Can’t we limit it to one inhalation per minute? Better yet, give up the practice all together.

8. You’re too tall for my smart car. I can’t drive around toting an oversized grasshopper.

9. Your scobies are taking over my life. It’s me or them.

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10. If I have to make appreciative Mmms at one more maudlin poem…

11. You’re too optimistic. Your glass will be half full of arsenic if you don’t discontinue this Pollyanna nonsense.

12. You watched the Stranger Things finale without me.

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13. You Om too long in yoga class. Harmony with the universe is not a competition.

14. You compliment me, but you don’t complement me. What’s worse, you don’t know the difference.

15. You don’t ship Johnlock? I don’t ship us.

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